TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO ROOFIE EVERYONE

 

Do you think the new Miss Universe, Paulina Vega, wants a Jell-O pudding pop? Boooooorrrring! But she definitely wants to attend Bill Cosby’s new foundation, “Doped Drinks For The Deceivable”! I was a fool to idolize Evel Knievel when I could’ve been slinging loaded lemonade.  

Fame doesn’t come from doing what is right. Just look at what Kim K’s famous fat ass was able to afford Bruce Jenner; a sex change! Oh yeah, and more fame. The unconscious could have made me famous. Macaulay Culkin may have cock-blocked me from my chance to get famous at a Michael Jackson slumber party but I’m ready for a coked out Coke and a smile. Forget-me pills, date rape drug, mind-erasers, Mexican valium? More like…TO BE FAMOUS PILLS!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO FIND TRUE LOVE

Kimye has graced the front cover of vogue to display Hollywood love that we have not seen since Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler in GONE WITH THE WIND. “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a Damn” is a popular quote from Rhett Butler but does it really compare to the Hallmark quotes of Kanye? “I don’t know what’s better, gettn’ laid or gettn’ paid”, thanks Kanye, that Kim K is one lucky bitch.

Speaking of Hallmark moments: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinski”, thanks Bill Clinton. One of my favorites: “Twist, you guys wasn’t gettin’ paid to leave the dogs babysittin’ the sheep while you stem the rose”, thanks BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

Speaking of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN…James Franco and Seth Rogan need a tent of their own. These two flamers keep hiding their rainbow behind “spoofs” when they are actually more in love than Kimye.

Americans love public displays of Hollywood love. It influences all aspects of our lives. I always roll the last meatball to my bitch, sorry, date. Rhianna loves herself with selfies and Chris Brown loves to beat her. I need to publically display love just like Kim K did with her sex tape. That is how…TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO BE FLEXIBLE

I always try and wake-up like Uncle Grandpa with a good attitude and say “good morning”! I realize I am not Mexican enough for Hollywood and always get typecast as a docile Hawaiian boy holding a bag of C & H Sugar.

If the producers of Robocop wanted to cast me as RoboHawaiianBoy; then hell yeah, I’m in. Miley Cyrus would be happy to be RoboSkank! Because you need to be flexible…TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO BE ON THE MSN HOMEPAGE

Fame, we all want it but how do we become famous? Every day, I wake up a loser. Somebody has to pay. My total YouTube hits 80…and that took 5 years. No likes and only 79 dislikes. Thanks Arabdancer92 for not disliking, smiley face wink. If you really want to know how to become famous, you need to be on the homepage of MSN.com. How do you do that? You need to be a baby squirrel-or a pit bull posing with baby chicks. Guess how many YouTube hits? 20 million in 24 hours. Kim K’s Ass is always a top mover on the MSN homepage…TO BE FAMOUS…I need pets and ass. 

So here is my worldwide debut of “Pets and Ass”. This music video has all the right ingredients for the discerning public who can never get enough “Pets and Ass”!

TO BE FAMOUS… I NEED TO CHANGE MY LOOK

To stay famous, celebrities need to change their look. Bruce Jenner has hit headlines in recent weeks with his Adam’s apple reduction surgery, midlife crisis behavior and his ‘Michael Jackson-like obsession’ with going under the knife.

Our ‘bob-rocking’ 64 year old former Olympian is not sick of Hollywood; he’s just getting started. Our Wheaties queen is gearing up for his biggest role ever; Caesar the talking chimpanzee in the upcoming Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. “When I found out Chimpanzees don’t have an Adam’s apple, I underwent surgery and read for the part. If those talentless Kardashians can make over $40 million for being nothing more than down-ass bitches for thugs; just wait until I rock this Caesar thing!”

As for the ‘Michael Jackson-Like obsession’ with plastic surgery, Caesar Jenner is hoping to play Bubbles in the upcoming Michael Jackson documentary.

Stay tuned for more great transformations as we study celebrities and how….TO BE FAMOUS!

CELEBRITY JOKE OF THE DAY

“Bruce Walters”

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO CO-STAR WITH NICOLAS CAGE

TO BE FAMOUS…Twenty years ago, I started my five year plan for success! I actually earned my first acting credit as a co- star with Nicolas Cage. His character walks up to mine and says, “Two churros”. “Yes Sir Mr. Cage, enjoy your churros”. That was my extensive Oscar worthy line. What? It was a Disney Production. So what if I was selling churros at Disneyland. The fact that Nicolas Cage ordered churros from me makes me a co-star in a Disney Production! Right? At least that’s what I put on my resume.

No, I don’t have a reel of this scene. So watch my video as I try to brainwash you into believing I had a co-starring role with Nicholas Cage.

DANIEL LOPEZ COSTARRING WITH NICOLAS CAGE IN A DISNEY PRODUCTION….OKAY I SOLD HIM CHURROS AT DISNEYLAND.

CELEBRITY JOKE OF THE DAY

AMANDA “BIEBS” KNOX

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO SEND A RACIST TWEET

If Steve Martin tweets, his 4.5 million fans laugh. If he tweets something racist, the whole world notices. Controversy equals attention and there is no such thing as bad publicity. To be famous….I need to send a racist tweet.

Sure…many formulas work to garner high volumes of attention. Adding booze to a Lohan, adding Kanye to Kim K, adding steroids to A Rod but adding racism to social media…FAMOUS! Just look at all the attention the interracial Cheerios commercial is getting on Facebook and YouTube. So I too shall follow the yellow brick road to fame and tweet about Mexicans, Jews and Blacks? Oh my!

TACO SHELL=MEXICAN GAS STATION WHICH IS A GAS CAN AND A SIPHONING HOSE.

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO SEND A RACIST TWEET

My piano teacher always told me to practice the piano everyday and I would be famous. Wrongo! Most of us don’t know the names of the world’s top piano players. That’s because the discerning public has determined through YouTube that Fatso, the “Keyboard Cat”, is the second coming of Mozart. Screw years of studying to be a musician or an actor. Social Media is all you need. TO BE FAMOUS I need to Tweet something racist. Lisa Lampanelli can say the N-word on stage and make millions. But tweeting something racist, stupid Moses, why didn’t you tell us about the 11^th commandment; “Thou shall not tweet about the blacks”.

If an unknown woman, Justine Sacco, can send one racist tweet and go from obscurity to famous in a matter of hours, then I’m the Klan’s new Grand Wizard in charge of social media. Sure Justine lost her job, her Twitter account, was globally criticized and had to apologize. But now she is FAMOUS! There’s no such thing as bad publicity.

So here I go trying to get attention by stirring up a little rage. I just want a little publicity, good, bad, just publicity. I’m continuing my racist tweets week by week until I cover the Trifecta; Mexicans, Blacks and Jews. Tune in next week when I tweet about those savages…I mean Redskins!