Tag Archives: gossip

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO BE ON THE MSN HOMEPAGE

Fame, we all want it but how do we become famous? Every day, I wake up a loser. Somebody has to pay. My total YouTube hits 80…and that took 5 years. No likes and only 79 dislikes. Thanks Arabdancer92 for not disliking, smiley face wink. If you really want to know how to become famous, you need to be on the homepage of MSN.com. How do you do that? You need to be a baby squirrel-or a pit bull posing with baby chicks. Guess how many YouTube hits? 20 million in 24 hours. Kim K’s Ass is always a top mover on the MSN homepage…TO BE FAMOUS…I need pets and ass. 
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So here is my worldwide debut of “Pets and Ass”. This music video has all the right ingredients for the discerning public who can never get enough “Pets and Ass”!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO OVERCOME ADVERSITY

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Celebrities overcome a multitude of adversities to stay famous. Poor Amanda Bynes went crazy and still manages to tweet random gibberish to stay in the spotlight. Yeah Tom Cruise was raised by aliens but pretending to be a human has made him a great actor.

TIGER WOODS:

Tiger lost everything due to his sex addiction. Now he is back on top of his golf game and every floozy he can hit. Okay so maybe texting is not the best way for Tiger to holla at his ho’s. Not his fault if a plane flies by with his room number.

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JESUS CHRIST:

Jesus is perhaps the most famous and recognized celebrity. He was persecuted, killed and STILL rose to the challenge. Thanks for overcoming adversity and giving us Easter Jesus! To this day, Jesus forgives all and leads by example. Mel Gibson should take a page from the “Jesus playbook”.

TO BE FAMOUS… I NEED TO CHANGE MY LOOK

To stay famous, celebrities need to change their look. The unknown celebrities rely on method acting, wardrobe and makeup. The famous ones have found that going under the knife will always keep them in the spotlight. Here is another installment and exclusive look at how celebrities stay awesome by changing their look.

LONI ANDERSON- Loni Anderson has made a career following the one true and time-tested formula for success: SEX SELLS. Who cares if she has the acting skills of Robert De Niro’s Hemorrhoid, her augmented breast still look 20 years young. After going under the knife more than Nicole Brown Simpson, Loni looks like she was manufactured in China. Mattel Toys offered her a contract to be their new “Mattel Smokey Barbie”.

LONI ANDERSON TRANSFORMATION

 

BURT REYNOLDS- Sadly, the once high-flying 76-year-old “Smokey and the Bandit” box-office champ is nearly broke and has undergone a quintuple heart bypass and back surgeries. Rather than throw in the towel, Burt has taken a page from the life of his famous ex, Loni Anderson. Burt has signed with Hasbro and is now “Hasbro Has-Been Spud”. Has-Been Spud is already getting work on the upcoming “Toy Story” sequel.

BURT REYNOLDS TRANSFORMATION

Stay tuned for more great transformations as we study celebrities and how….TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…..I NEED TO BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME

Instead of focusing on my acting and networking, I need to engage in public displays of foolish behavior….TO BE FAMOUS. When In-N-Out Burger asks, “are you going to be eating in your car?” I will answer “Of course not. I will be eating on the floor with a bottle of Jack while my daughter uploads the video to You Tube.”

Why have sex for free? I can earn money while having sex with a celebrity! This kills two birds with one stone and I gain fame.

I love football so streaking at an NFL Game will launch my career faster than winning America’s Got Talent. Plus, it will work off the beer and nachos that are mandatory at any sporting event.

EVERYONE loves Kim and Kanye. Now they can love me too, as I strategically place my face in their paparazzi shot. Otherwise, the only way I can afford headshots is to smile real big as I run a red light.
TO BE FAMOUS-DANIEL LOPEZ NEED TO BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME.

TO BE FAMOUS… I NEED TO CHANGE MY LOOK

Famous actors are awesome and stay awesome by changing their look. It’s their biggest asset and makes them extremely marketable. Sure you can memorize your lines but at the end of the day, YOU’RE JUST YOU. Here, let me give you some examples of actors who DON’T SUCK:

CARROT-TOP- WOW! Carrot Top is so diverse he can play Liono the Thundercat, Beeker from The Muppets, The Mad Hatter, Raggedy Andy, Wilma from The Flinstones, Jessica Rabbit or any one of the Jokers from Batman.

MICHAEL JACKSON- A true professional even in 2012. Sure, as Jack the Pumpkin King, his look is similar but he continues his celebrity status as a great singer.

KENNY ROGERS- True, we should’ve stopped talking about Kenny Rogers in the 80’s. But he is too good! Now with his always alert eyes and smile; you can’t help but sing “The Gambler”.

I can go on and on but you know what to do. If you want to stop sucking then change your look. Megan Fox was already hot but now……she is a living, breathing inflatable sex doll! Very Marketable and FAMOUS!

MICHAEL JACKSON AND MICKEY ROURKE, BEFORE AND AFTER PLASTIC SURGERY.

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO MARRY A PRINCE



Okay yes, marrying Prince William elevated a shy, C average student like Kate Middleton, to historically famous. Big deal if we saw nude photos of her. (Areolas=Extra fame). Just ask Prince Harry. All he was doing in Vegas was getting his royal jewels appraised. He should’ve taken them to Hard Core Pawn.

So yes, I would marry a prince in order to become famous. I’m not talking about “The Artist Formally Known As Prince”, or John Travolta (he’s a queen). I have been known to get Freaky-Freaky but not that Freaky.

I think Prince Harry is a great choice since he’s available and loves to party. Strip pool is my favorite game. Those skanky posers he was playing with hate strip pool compared to how much I love it. Harry will, of course, have to ask Jose Lopez (my dad) for my hand in marriage.

My new name would definitely make me instantly MEGA FAMOUS! Since I am American I could not be called his royal highness. I would be called Lord Lopez or Earl Lopez. But because I am Mexican-American, my full name would be Lord Jaime, Gonzales, Morales, Garza, Julio, Lopez. Or, much like here in the US, immigration would probably just deport me. They’d call Sherriff Joe Arpaio of Nottingham.

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO ACQUIRE THESE TALENTS AND SKILLS

I am tired of being a loser. I have tried to become famous and I have failed. Many years of research have gone into the study of what skills and talents are needed to be a STAR.  I have taken a close look at the famous people of today and have compiled a powerful list of these skills for those who no longer want to suck.

Here are just a few of the skills and talents that will answer my question, “Why are you so AWESOME and I SUCK.”

  1. GET A PROSTITUTE– This I have done but I need to be more open about it. In a Mercedes on Sunset Strip should jump start my career.
  2. MAKE A SEX TAPE- This has made Kim Kardashian way more famous than her sisters and I come from a large family of seven kids.
  3. DRESS SLUTTY- No Talent + Slutty Wardrobe= Famous Miley Cyrus.
  4. GET CAUGHT SMOKING A BONG- Olympic Gold Medals: NOT FAMOUS. Camera + Bong= FAMOUS!
  5. BECOME A MOUSEKETEER- Disney’s Whore Factory has created such stars as Justin Timberlake, Brittany Spears and Ryan Gosling.
  6. I NEED A MUG SHOT- Nobody gives a shit about your family photos BUT a mug shot…………
  7. I NEED TO DATE JETER OR A-ROD- I think love bumps are worth the fame. Or if I could just get Kobe to corn-hole my hiney-hole!
  8. I NEED TO GO TO REHAB- As long as you call me a “STAR”; I don’t care how I got the title. Reality and Rehab are great adjectives to describe my, “Star Status”.