TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO HAVE A MELTDOWN

Celebrities definitely hold our interest, when they do something wrong, go temporarily crazy and have a meltdown. We don’t care about Reese Witherspoon’s ability or range as an actor…BORING! But when she goes postal on the cops, now that shows range!

Celebrities, who are good parents, yawn. Try what Alec Baldwin did and scream at your kid; “you’re a thoughtless little pig”! That meltdown of a voicemail made Alec’s celebrity status hotter than two squirrels screwing in a wool sock! So TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO HAVE A MELTDOWN!

TO BE FAMOUS…MY PARENTS NEED TO BE TRAIN-WRECKS

Just what is a train-wreck? It’s a celebrity who has gone off the deep end. When a celebrity screws up, we can’t stop watching. Sometimes, if you’re really lucky, you can witness “generations” of train-wrecks. Parents will pimp their kids to Hollywood for reality shows, endorsements and financial gains. I wish! Why couldn’t my parents be train-wrecks and pimp me out to Hollywood so I could be famous?

When I was young, I was a cute boy which means I was perfect for Michael Jackson. Mama Lopez should’ve sent me to Michael’s slumber party but instead she did the “right thing” and sent me to school. Now, I work at Sonic and nobody knows me.

So here are the parents and “mommygers” of Hollywood we can’t get enough of.

Dina Lohan:

No talent, no worries! Learn how to turn a wardrobe malfunction or a DUI into Hollywood GOLD! –Start today at the college of Dina Lohan.

 

Billy Ray Cyrus: 

“I made a mistake with Miley. I let Disney use her and I really didn’t make any money. They ruined her life so I wish I could take that back…..why do you ask? Does Disney want to renegotiate?”

 

Kris Jenner: 

“I’m getting Kim into the auto industry. Her new “K-Kar” will be just like her; no real appeal, upgrades or amenities. Just a HUGE trunk!!”

 

June Thompson, (Honey Boo Boo’s Mama): 

“I reckon Honey Boo Boo and me can get naked and dance on stage like two pole cats but y’all mind if we wear matchn’ tiaras?”

So hopefully you enjoyed this addition of train-wrecks. Remember, there is no shortage of train-wrecks out there so stay tuned and find out what it takes…TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO BE A TRAIN-WRECK

Just what is a train-wreck? It’s a celebrity who has gone off the deep end. When a celebrity screws up, we can’t stop watching.

We love to see the rich and famous get fat or go down in flames. It brings them down to our level. Let’s face it. With the exception of a few family members and maybe a friend or two, we love to see everyone fail. This is especially true for celebrities except, when they fail, it brings them more fame.

So here is my weekly installment of celebrities who have gained weight or “denied” their inner feelings.

Kirstie Alley: 

John Travolta:

So hopefully you enjoyed this week’s addition of train-wrecks. Remember, there is no shortage of train-wrecks out there so stay tuned and find out what it takes…TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO GO INTO REHAB

The typical celebrity career path:

1. STRUGGLE

2. BREAKTHROUGH

3. FAME

4. STUMBLE

5. IMFAMY

6. DESCENT INTO DRUGS AND BOOZE

7. REHAB

8. D-LIST REALITY TV SHOW.

But Andy Dick, Tom Sizemore and Snooki broke these rules. They started with reality TV and rehab and worked their way back to FAME. Why deal with struggle and breakthrough? Jumpstart your career!
As long as you call me a “STAR”; I don’t care how I got the title. Reality and Rehab are great adjectives to describe my “star status.”

Sure you can go to Julliard and study acting like Kevin Spacey or Val Kilmer but trying to find them in anything but a Denny’s is like the color-blind trying to find Waldo. Robert Downey, Jr. went straight into rehab for the better part of 5 years and has never looked back. He had hit after hit; Iron Man, Sherlock Holmes, Iron Man 2, Due Date, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows and the Avengers.

Don’t like to drink or do drugs? Neither does Tiger Woods but he found a way to realize his dreams of stardom and was accepted into sex rehab!

So stop SUCKING and start being AWESOME! Do like Melanie Griffith and make rehab part of a healthy routine and voluntarily check in every 6 months; it’ll be just like a dental check-up. Except It’ll make you FAMOUS!!!!