Tag Archives: lindsay lohan

TO BE FAMOUS… I NEED TO CHANGE MY LOOK

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To stay famous, celebrities need to change their look. LINDSAY LOHAN sure does keep the tabloids busy. She keeps them on their toes like a midget at a urinal. Always changing her look and breaking the law.

Lindsay keeps the tabloids busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican funeral.

Our freckled ginger has been banged harder than a screen door in a hurricane.

Her lawyer is busier than a priest at an all boys choir sleepover.

LiLo drives faster than a cat can lick its ASS!

Stay tuned for more great transformations as we study celebrities and how….TO BE FAMOUS!

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CELEBRITY JOKE OF THE DAY

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ENCHANTED CELEBRITY MOMENTS

Time machines can fix mistakes. Marty McFly, please don’t let Kris Jenner and Robert Kardashian kiss at the high school dance.

Mel Gibson says, “We must be tolerant of all religions… just not the Jews.”

Lindsay Lohan keeps the tabloids on their toes, like a midget at a urinal.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Miley Cyrus is a schizophrenic, and so is Hannah Montana.

Hey Kim Jong Un: fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. Just look at Tom Arnold.

The last time John Travolta was in a woman was when he visited the Statue of Liberty.

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Andy Dick proves you are what you eat.

Now that Roger Ebert is gone, here is some movie advice: If “The Rock” is in it, thumbs down.

If you are not happy with yourself, be brave and change yourself like Chaz Bono.

Don’t worry Amanda Bynes, You will find love. When woman go wrong, men go right after them.

Britney Spears, in order to meet someone as special as you, I hang out at the bowling alley.

Low Lying fruit and Lindsay Lohan have a lot in common: Cheap, easy to get, and bruised.


ENCHANTED LOHAN MOMENTS

Lindz Skywalker carrying Yoda Sheen

Our Disney Darling fell from grace with “un-Disney-like” behavior.

Lindsay has charmed courts, prisons and rehab but none can save her.

DUI’s, lies, theft, drugs, lesbianism, wrecks and the party scene.

LiLo is “Lindz Skywalker” with her new mentor “Yoda Sheen”.

Our troubled redhead was offered a million for a mold of her privates.

The “Fire Crotch Fleshlight” would be a hit and have more tightness.

Our tabloid princess rocks stolen jewelry and alcohol detecting bracelets.

Lindz cries in court and punches rehab workers in their faces.

Lindz Skywalker and Yoda Sheen

From your media-mongering father to your attention loving mother;

It’s no wonder why the “Hot Mess” is always in rehab but never recovers.

In a quote Linz once proclaimed, “yeah, motherfu*%er I’m fine!”

Screw Herbie the Love Bug, I’d much rather see LiLo serve time.

From The Ford Talent Agency to the Betty Ford Clinic,

There is never a tabloid without our little Lindsay in it.


TO BE FAMOUS…MY PARENTS NEED TO BE TRAIN-WRECKS

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Just what is a train-wreck? It’s a celebrity who has gone off the deep end. When a celebrity screws up, we can’t stop watching. Sometimes, if you’re really lucky, you can witness “generations” of train-wrecks. Parents will pimp their kids to Hollywood for reality shows, endorsements and financial gains. I wish! Why couldn’t my parents be train-wrecks and pimp me out to Hollywood so I could be famous?

When I was young, I was a cute boy which means I was perfect for Michael Jackson. Mama Lopez should’ve sent me to Michael’s slumber party but instead she did the “right thing” and sent me to school. Now, I work at Sonic and nobody knows me.

So here are the parents and “mommygers” of Hollywood we can’t get enough of.
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Dina Lohan:

No talent, no worries! Learn how to turn a wardrobe malfunction or a DUI into Hollywood GOLD! –Start today at the college of Dina Lohan.

 

Billy Ray Cyrus: 

“I made a mistake with Miley. I let Disney use her and I really didn’t make any money. They ruined her life so I wish I could take that back…..why do you ask? Does Disney want to renegotiate?”

 

Kris Jenner: 

“I’m getting Kim into the auto industry. Her new “K-Kar” will be just like her; no real appeal, upgrades or amenities. Just a HUGE trunk!!”

 

June Thompson, (Honey Boo Boo’s Mama): 

“I reckon Honey Boo Boo and me can get naked and dance on stage like two pole cats but y’all mind if we wear matchn’ tiaras?”

So hopefully you enjoyed this addition of train-wrecks. Remember, there is no shortage of train-wrecks out there so stay tuned and find out what it takes…TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO BE A DISNEY DARLING

How can a sweet mouse named Mickey make you famous? By showing you his PIMP hand! Snoop Dogg, (sorry, Snoop Lion), can’t even compete with the famous ho’s in Mickey’s Harem. Sure Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Miley Ray Cyrus were sweet once but they were nobodies. So if you’re like me and are ready to be famous, you need to be a “Disney Darling”.

Lindsay Lohan has snorted and revealed more crack than Charlie Sheen and his prostitutes on a nude beach. You would have more luck pulling the sword from the stone than trying to pull the crack pipe from Lindsay’s mouth.

Miley Ray Cyrus was a role model as Hannah Montana on The Disney Channel or what I like to call, “Mickey’s Little Whore Factory”. Miley continues to be a role model and has since added to her resume. Her credits include pole dancing, lesbianism, bong smoking, and stripping. She has recently impersonated Justin Beiber with a shaven, crazy new hairdo.

Britney Spears is perhaps the most famous Mouseketeer. The Mickey Mouse Club was Disney’s grassroots, wholesome variety show. Screw a degree from an accredited University, Mickey will give you the tools you need to stay in the tabloids for over a decade. Wow Mickey! I hope you can see that I have “IT” and can be the bestest “Disney Darling” to ever give you a lap-dance and become FAMOUS!!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO BE A DISNEY PRINCESS


Disney has fooled every 11-year-old girl into thinking they can be a princess. Get real Disney. Stop lying to our youth. Be honest; there are only a couple of princess positions available and that commoner, Kate “the streaker” Middleton, has taken one. If our kids keep reaching for the stars, they are just going to stab their little fingers on all those sharp points.

However…..

I too fell for the Disney promise. I tried for every role in every Disney film and was always beat out by the next Zac Efron, Selena Gomez or Lindsay Lohan. I finally landed a supporting role with Nicholas Cage. Okay, I sold him a churro.

The only jobs Disney hired me for were to sell churros and work in a cube for eight hours a day with no direct sunlight. Every day, as my spine collapsed and I basked under the florescent lights, was another day I would never be a princess. How in the HELL would I ever get a personal day off to go to the ball? The only happily ever after I ever got were my two 15-minute breaks. So screw you Disney! I know you’re always listening to me. So here is a video that hopefully will get me a princess role which will help me….TO BE FAMOUS!