Tag Archives: comedy



I remember Lindsay waiving at me from across the crowded room. My heart began to pound in my chest! I started to waive back and when she approached, I called upon my courage and said….. “Hey Lindsay”.

She almost knocked me over as she walked through me and hugged Thomas Liddy.

Much like Taylor Swift at the Grammys, I realized I had been “SWIFTED”.




012414_1618_TOBEFAMOUSI1.pngTo stay famous, celebrities need to change their look. Justin Bieber may have started as a sweet, little Canadian hoser singing in his bathroom but he has transformed into the duchiest of all douchebags! Thanks Usher! The Biebs was arrested in the wee hours of January 23, 2014 in Miami when he was caught drag racing his Lamborghini and if that wasn’t enough, he was thrown in the slammer on suspicion of DUI as well, since he admitted to smoking pot and consuming alcohol and prescription pills.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio only focuses on the bad/Southern American border because the good/Northern border spat out our little Biebs, (and Pam Anderson’s big, fake, used Juggies). Mexicans can only maintain your landscape, Biebs can piss his initials in your front yard, egg your home and terrorize your kids while driving 100 miles an hour through your neighborhood. Screw oil from Iraq, we have the Biebs from Canada! 

Justin Bieber

Biebs will eventually morph into the Drag Queen Dennis Rodman. Out of the closet, tattooed from head to toe, pierced, burnt out, starting a war with North Korea and in rehab. The Biebs proves that even if your music sucks, you need to Belieb and transform into the biggest douche in all douchebaggery. TO BE FAMOUS…I need Usher to sign me, transform into a douchebag and have 50 million DLiebers.

Stay tuned for more great transformations as we study celebrities and how….TO BE FAMOUS!


My piano teacher always told me to practice the piano everyday and I would be famous. Wrongo! Most of us don’t know the names of the world’s top piano players. That’s because the discerning public has determined through YouTube that Fatso, the “Keyboard Cat”, is the second coming of Mozart. Screw years of studying to be a musician or an actor. Social Media is all you need. TO BE FAMOUS I need to Tweet something racist. Lisa Lampanelli can say the N-word on stage and make millions. But tweeting something racist, stupid Moses, why didn’t you tell us about the 11th commandment; “Thou shall not tweet about the blacks”.

If an unknown woman, Justine Sacco, can send one racist tweet and go from obscurity to famous in a matter of hours, then I’m the Klan’s new Grand Wizard in charge of social media. Sure Justine lost her job, her Twitter account, was globally criticized and had to apologize. But now she is FAMOUS! There’s no such thing as bad publicity.


So here I go trying to get attention by stirring up a little rage. I just want a little publicity, good, bad, just publicity. I’m continuing my racist tweets week by week until I cover the Trifecta; Mexicans, Blacks and Jews. Tune in next week when I tweet about those savages…I mean Redskins!



Dying to be famous? Meeeeee toooooooooo! Paul Walker is getting more attention and fame in death than in life. Why? Because he was a pop culture icon. He will be remembered for eternity as part of America’s greatest cultural achievement, Fast and Furious. HGTV’s co host of Curb Appeal, Bill Beckwith, recently crashed his motorcycle in San Francisco and died. Unfortunately, his show didn’t have enough naked babes, explosions and fast cars so; never heard of him. Now if the bachelor died…..he would be immortalized in American history books.


Great people are always remembered for their accomplishments. Leonardo da Vinci will be remembered as a Renaissance Man. Impressionism could not have taken place without the works of Manet, Monet and Van Gogh. Mankind will remember the culture, achievements and advancements of the 21st century through great people like Snookie, Kim K and the Bachelor. Screw Captain America, Paul Walker is the new American Hero and getting more ass than ever!
Terrorists, Obama Health Care, Fiscal Cliff and the “Bad” Korea, (North or South), not sure and I don’t really care because the 17th season of the Bachelor is underway. GAWD, I need to be the next bachelor, create a charity and DIE TO BE FAMOUS!


Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon went “swimming” in Hawaii and photos of the white trash playing white trash tonsil jockey went viral. Sure Rick’s johnson also went “viral” but look at all the attention he is getting.


So will Pammy “swim” with you? Hell yeah! Since Baywatch, that’s really all our tattooed, silicone burn-out has done. She has slept with everyone. Pam will not only keep you in the spotlight, but she’ll put you in the clinic as well. Just look at
David Spade, Tommy Lee, Vince Neil, Bret Michaels, Arsenio Hall, Kid Rock, Fred Durst, Stephen Dorff……..it would be easier to tell you who our porno queen hasn’t slept with.


So if you want to be famous, as I do, swimming will keep you irrelevant, but swimming with Pam Anderson……FAMOUS! Sure you can be a Killer-Whale trainer at SeaWorld and spare yourself the STD’s and Hepatitis C.

Not only will Pam Anderson make you famous, but you will be lucky enough to be the 1/4 who have herpes! You and your new-found fame will now be VIRAL!



To stay famous, celebrities need to change their look. Amanda Bynes, what in the hell happened?!? From Maxim Magazine in 2010 to Amanda “Coon Dawg” Bynes just a few years later, our little Nickelodeon Princess has had meltdown after meltdown. She has kept the media busier than a 3-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor.

Yes, our little druggy has tweeted psychotically for Drake to murder her lady parts, shaven her head, pierced her cheeks, earned DUI’s, wrecked her cars and was just arrested last night for smoking a bong in the lobby of her New York Apartment!! What an idiot? Yes but she is a famous idiot! Amanda has reached Train Wreck Status! Lindsay Lohan has trained you well. Willie Nelson would be proud. Way to stay in the spotlight and I can’t wait to see Amanda “Coon Dawg” Bynes in the next issue of Maxim.


Stay tuned for more great transformations as we study celebrities and how….TO BE FAMOUS!


Celebrities definitely hold our interest, when they do something wrong, go temporarily crazy and have a meltdown. We don’t care about Reese Witherspoon’s ability or range as an actor…BORING! But when she goes postal on the cops, now that shows range!

Celebrities, who are good parents, yawn. Try what Alec Baldwin did and scream at your kid; “you’re a thoughtless little pig”! That meltdown of a voicemail made Alec’s celebrity status hotter than two squirrels screwing in a wool sock! So TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO HAVE A MELTDOWN!