TO BE FAMOUS… I NEED TO CHANGE MY LOOK

To stay famous, celebrities need to change their look. LINDSAY LOHAN sure does keep the tabloids busy. She keeps them on their toes like a midget at a urinal. Always changing her look and breaking the law.

Lindsay keeps the tabloids busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican funeral.

Our freckled ginger has been banged harder than a screen door in a hurricane.

Her lawyer is busier than a priest at an all boys choir sleepover.

LiLo drives faster than a cat can lick its ASS!

Stay tuned for more great transformations as we study celebrities and how….TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO OVERCOME ADVERSITY

Celebrities overcome a multitude of adversities to stay famous. Poor Amanda Bynes went crazy and still manages to tweet random gibberish to stay in the spotlight. Yeah Tom Cruise was raised by aliens but pretending to be a human has made him a great actor.

TIGER WOODS:

Tiger lost everything due to his sex addiction. Now he is back on top of his golf game and every floozy he can hit. Okay so maybe texting is not the best way for Tiger to holla at his ho’s. Not his fault if a plane flies by with his room number.

JESUS CHRIST:

Jesus is perhaps the most famous and recognized celebrity. He was persecuted, killed and STILL rose to the challenge. Thanks for overcoming adversity and giving us Easter Jesus! To this day, Jesus forgives all and leads by example. Mel Gibson should take a page from the “Jesus playbook”.

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED MY OWN LIQUOR

The smart and famous celebrities are always looking for ways to stay in the spotlight. From P. Diddy to Dan Aykroyd, celebrities are getting into the liquor business. Real Housewife, Bethenny Frankel, is famous for her liquor brand “Skinnygirl”. She invented and sold the “Skinnygirl” brand for millions. Chris Brown turned his talents of abuse towards some grapes, (guess they resembled Rihanna), and got into the wine business.

So here is my attempt to get out from underneath the warming lights and into the spotlight. This video is my first liquor commercial featuring “BEAN-R BEER®-It’s always fun and games until somebody gets pregnant”. The video features Uncle Pancho, Coon-Dawg and Daniel Lopez. Because we all love “BEAN-R BEER®” and we all want TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO CHEAT

Celebrities achieve and maintain fame in many different ways. An Oscar for best supporting actor or maybe even a memorable performance can always help elevate a celebrity’s star status. But CHEATING! That is what will make you FAMOUS!

How do you cheat to gain fame? It’s easy. Just ask Tiger Woods. Texting every hood rat for a bootie call took him from a well-known athlete to famous. Arnold Schwarzenegger entered his maid and the spotlight when he cheated on Maria Shriver.

Lance Armstrong is no exception. Sure we all know him for his Tour De France medals and single nut. But once we learned he doped and cheated; he became famous. So famous that Oprah called him her single greatest interview! Way to “Ball-Up” Lance. We all have learned a valuable lesson; if you want to be famous, you need to cheat and go “Ball Deep”.

TO BE FAMOUS… I NEED TO CHANGE MY LOOK

To stay famous, celebrities need to change their look. The unknown celebrities rely on method acting, wardrobe and makeup. The famous ones have found that going under the knife will always keep them in the spotlight. Here is another installment and exclusive look at how celebrities stay awesome by changing their look.

LONI ANDERSON- Loni Anderson has made a career following the one true and time-tested formula for success: SEX SELLS. Who cares if she has the acting skills of Robert De Niro’s Hemorrhoid, her augmented breast still look 20 years young. After going under the knife more than Nicole Brown Simpson, Loni looks like she was manufactured in China. Mattel Toys offered her a contract to be their new “Mattel Smokey Barbie”.

 

BURT REYNOLDS- Sadly, the once high-flying 76-year-old “Smokey and the Bandit” box-office champ is nearly broke and has undergone a quintuple heart bypass and back surgeries. Rather than throw in the towel, Burt has taken a page from the life of his famous ex, Loni Anderson. Burt has signed with Hasbro and is now “Hasbro Has-Been Spud”. Has-Been Spud is already getting work on the upcoming “Toy Story” sequel.

Stay tuned for more great transformations as we study celebrities and how….TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS… I NEED TO START A SCANDAL

I have been in many scandals and still can’t break 800 Twitter followers. To be famous…I need to start a scandal with a celebrity. It’s simple. Apparently I don’t need to audition all day long with no call backs and wait tables all night for years trying to get noticed. All I need is to land a nanny or house keeping gig with a celebrity.

Mildred Patricia Baena who? Add a little Arnold Schwarzenegger, a love child and BAM! The whole world knows Mildred. According to Arnold, “She vacuumed the floors by day, and sucked harder than a Hoover by night”. I will make an excellent baby madre!

Maybe I don’t want to be a nanny or house keeper? I may take the old fashioned route to stardom like Brittany Kerr. Strike out on American Idol, get caught cheating with a married country singer and get a reality show. Brittany was known by a few people until the public scandal in a Los Angeles bar with country singer Jason Aldean. Now she is being sought after by cable networks who want to capitalize on her new found fame by giving her a reality show.

So the next time Tiger Woods is in town, I’m going golfing. I will wear a blue dress for Bill Clinton. I am currently tracking Kobe Bryant’s travel itinerary-hotel love fest equals fame. All are very scandalous and are sure fire ways TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO BE A DISNEY PRINCESS

Disney has fooled every 11-year-old girl into thinking they can be a princess. Get real Disney. Stop lying to our youth. Be honest; there are only a couple of princess positions available and that commoner, Kate “the streaker” Middleton, has taken one. If our kids keep reaching for the stars, they are just going to stab their little fingers on all those sharp points.

However…..

I too fell for the Disney promise. I tried for every role in every Disney film and was always beat out by the next Zac Efron, Selena Gomez or Lindsay Lohan. I finally landed a supporting role with Nicholas Cage. Okay, I sold him a churro.

The only jobs Disney hired me for were to sell churros and work in a cube for eight hours a day with no direct sunlight. Every day, as my spine collapsed and I basked under the florescent lights, was another day I would never be a princess. How in the HELL would I ever get a personal day off to go to the ball? The only happily ever after I ever got were my two 15-minute breaks. So screw you Disney! I know you’re always listening to me. So here is a video that hopefully will get me a princess role which will help me….TO BE FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…..I NEED TO BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME

Instead of focusing on my acting and networking, I need to engage in public displays of foolish behavior….TO BE FAMOUS. When In-N-Out Burger asks, “are you going to be eating in your car?” I will answer “Of course not. I will be eating on the floor with a bottle of Jack while my daughter uploads the video to You Tube.”

Why have sex for free? I can earn money while having sex with a celebrity! This kills two birds with one stone and I gain fame.

I love football so streaking at an NFL Game will launch my career faster than winning America’s Got Talent. Plus, it will work off the beer and nachos that are mandatory at any sporting event.

EVERYONE loves Kim and Kanye. Now they can love me too, as I strategically place my face in their paparazzi shot. Otherwise, the only way I can afford headshots is to smile real big as I run a red light.

TO BE FAMOUS… I NEED TO CHANGE MY LOOK

Famous actors are awesome and stay awesome by changing their look. It’s their biggest asset and makes them extremely marketable. Sure you can memorize your lines but at the end of the day, YOU’RE JUST YOU. Here, let me give you some examples of actors who DON’T SUCK:

CARROT-TOP- WOW! Carrot Top is so diverse he can play Liono the Thundercat, Beeker from The Muppets, The Mad Hatter, Raggedy Andy, Wilma from The Flinstones, Jessica Rabbit or any one of the Jokers from Batman.

MICHAEL JACKSON- A true professional even in 2012. Sure, as Jack the Pumpkin King, his look is similar but he continues his celebrity status as a great singer.

KENNY ROGERS- True, we should’ve stopped talking about Kenny Rogers in the 80’s. But he is too good! Now with his always alert eyes and smile; you can’t help but sing “The Gambler”.

I can go on and on but you know what to do. If you want to stop sucking then change your look. Megan Fox was already hot but now……she is a living, breathing inflatable sex doll! Very Marketable and FAMOUS!

TO BE FAMOUS…I NEED TO GO INTO REHAB

The typical celebrity career path:

1. STRUGGLE

2. BREAKTHROUGH

3. FAME

4. STUMBLE

5. IMFAMY

6. DESCENT INTO DRUGS AND BOOZE

7. REHAB

8. D-LIST REALITY TV SHOW.

But Andy Dick, Tom Sizemore and Snooki broke these rules. They started with reality TV and rehab and worked their way back to FAME. Why deal with struggle and breakthrough? Jumpstart your career!
As long as you call me a “STAR”; I don’t care how I got the title. Reality and Rehab are great adjectives to describe my “star status.”

Sure you can go to Julliard and study acting like Kevin Spacey or Val Kilmer but trying to find them in anything but a Denny’s is like the color-blind trying to find Waldo. Robert Downey, Jr. went straight into rehab for the better part of 5 years and has never looked back. He had hit after hit; Iron Man, Sherlock Holmes, Iron Man 2, Due Date, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows and the Avengers.

Don’t like to drink or do drugs? Neither does Tiger Woods but he found a way to realize his dreams of stardom and was accepted into sex rehab!

So stop SUCKING and start being AWESOME! Do like Melanie Griffith and make rehab part of a healthy routine and voluntarily check in every 6 months; it’ll be just like a dental check-up. Except It’ll make you FAMOUS!!!!